Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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