Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
