If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
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I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
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Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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