Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
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She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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