i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
