i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
