Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
