Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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