So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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