I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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