Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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