he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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