Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
