Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
