M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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