for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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