he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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