Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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