Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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