If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
