I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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