I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
