I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
