I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
