my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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