I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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