There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
