So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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