i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
