Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
