sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Alive.
So much puke
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
