Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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