So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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