I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
