I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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