i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
