I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
this just has baby written all over it
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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