please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
