My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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