I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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