I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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