I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
