i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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