im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We left an ass print on the piano.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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