The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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