did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
