I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
