Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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