Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
