I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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