i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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