He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
