I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
