My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
