Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
