i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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